Yesterday I ran. Today I run

and I'm ok

What a difference 2 years make.

Two years ago tonight I was in San Jose with friends for a blogging conference.  My time in San Jose was life-changing and followed by months of internal dialogue.

I look at my life, at where I was in July 2014, in July of last year.  So much has changed.  I never imagined this would be my narrative today.

Dealing with change

Alas it is, and so I started running.  These words came to me by bits and pieces as I became stronger, as I went farther, as I continued to crush personal records.  These words haunted my runs like ghosts in a castle.  Unable to escape they found their way to pen and paper.

As I lay my ghosts to rest I hope they will find peace in the night.

The heart remembers

I run because you never asked me to tone it down for you, because who I am excites you, because time proves this was a rare gift.

I run because it’s lonely when you’re just. too. much. for most people.  You… never thought I was too much.

I run because you never failed to make me laugh when I needed it most, because I can no longer count on you for a joke.

I run because you get me, and I you, because none of it was enough. Once it became enough… it was too late.

What was once is no more

I run because fireworks and David Bowie, because Coronas and stupid bets, to ignore colourful explosions reminiscent of summers long ago.

I run to forget we ever boycotted McCain, to forget I still wonder if it’s a thing.

I run because I can almost see you standing there, smiling.  A quick wave, a blink, and you fade away. I run because there’s no shoulder to lean on.

I run because I miss this, but also to forget I once loved you and remember I’m strong.  Old habits die hard – I still pick up the phone to call you sometimes only to remember I can’t.

Holding space

I run because I saved you whilst you dared leave me to drown, because my cries for help went unanswered.  With one breath you encouraged me to survive and with the other you tried to drown me.

I run because I protect you still with our secrets, moments which force me to hold space for you.  I’m tired.  Tired of holding space, tired of resenting space that can never be filled.  I run to forget you hold any real estate in my heart.

I run because you will never bear the true consequences of your choices. I run because I gave up everything to protect you.  I’ve been gracious, I took it all in stride.  I’ve nothing left to lose and yet you’ve lost nothing.

I run because you may as well have died suddenly, unexpectedly.  Just… gone.  You continue to live on in the life and hearts of many while I struggle to bury the undead.

Ruins of destruction

I run because you didn’t hesitate to betray me.  You took what were bittersweet memories and made them cheap with lack of intention, denied a friendship long cherished.

I run because I’m angry you’ll never experience the loss I’ve been through. Because I’m not angry enough to destroy you.  I run to numb the pain.

I run because I found freedom, because freedom comes with a price. I run to remember I’m a good person – one who’s worthy of friendship, respect, even love.

I run to forget the scarlet letters on the wall.

Rebuilding my village

I run because life moves on and three beautiful girls need me here, need me whole. I run because I’m crawling back from the dark and I’m afraid to fall back in.

I run to see life and catch the wind in my fingers.

I run to forgive you for failing to protect me.  I run to forgive you for your happiness. I run because I’m angry and hurt, because I don’t want to cry.  I can’t run away – but I can run.

Running for joy

Tonight I ran for the simple pleasure of running. The cold breeze on my face.  The pounding rhythm of my feet hitting the pavement.  The pride in knowing I can.

Tonight I ran for me.

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