Fake Fashion: Condoms, Socks, & Mushroom Clouds

My kids’ feet stink.  I mean – Farmer stepping in shit all day wash your feet BEFORE getting into the house kinda stink.

I don’t get it!  Mere hours after bathing them I fight the urge to Lysol the crap out of their feet.

In efforts to eradicate the problem I’ve spent the past week searching for girls’ cotton socks.  Easy right?  Sears, The Bay, Children’s Place, Old Navy, Gap, Joe Fresh, Walmart, Payless, Kiddie Kobbler, Souris Mini, Gymboree, Giant Tigre… Even the flipping dollar store.  

Nada.  Zip.  Niente. 

What I found instead was several poly-blends.  Polyester (up to 80%), Lycra, Spandex, Nylon… and 2% – 5% Rubber.

That’s right folks.  RUBBER. 

The same rubber that sheaths your man’s cockstand is now being found in fucking socks.

Does this condom make me look fat? #fashion Click To Tweet

I would have loved to be a fly on the wall in * that * meeting.

“There’s not enough synthetic crap in our socks – we need something… something more!

“What about recycling old tires and turning the rubber into a cloth-like fiber?  It would certainly add to the plasticky feeling of polyester and nylon – Think about the planet! “

“OMG That’s genius!  Imagine!  Men’s socks.  Women’s socks.  Kids’ socks…. Unbreathable fucking rubber socks for everyone!”

The whole room erupts in applause; it’s a wonderful day.  The CEO sheds a happy tear at the good deed they are doing for the environment their fat wallets.

Between us?  The mushroom cloud that forms when my husband and kids take off their shoes will probably kill us all well before the millions of condoms lying on the ocean floor.

So where has all the cotton gone?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Hello?

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