Breaking: Vagina Wars

Breaking: Vagina Wars

Breaking: The War on Vaginas

Cheetolini inspires legions to attempt control of baby cannons everywhere

Human rights, meet Agent Orange

On January 21st, 2017 Captain Diaperpants was inaugurated as Presidential Apprentice following which the internet – and our dear planet – has erupted in a giant ball of fire.

We have a team of neo-fascists at the helm of America doing whatever they damned please with no regards for the law.

Habanero Hitler and his Troop of Trifling Troglodytes are convinced we have no need for such things as the EPA, free speech, and equal rights for all.

Cheeto Jesus flew in on Hair Force One and wants you to believe real news is fake and his words are alternate facts lies.

Hurricane Donald has hit the land of the free and though his enthusiasm seems to be waning he’s inflicting more damage than we ever thought possible in a mere TWO WEEKS ONE MONTH in office.

And so I cry

I haven’t cried in months but tonight… Tonight I cried.

I cried because the reign of Hair Hitler is one giant trigger and I can’t not cry anymore.

I cried because Texas lawmakers want to charge women and providers with murder because “jail time for abortions would force women to be more personally responsible for their sexual behavior”.

I’m plenty responsible for * my own * sexual behavior!  Mkay?  Or shall I draw you a picture?

I cried because Oklahoma courts ruled oral sex is not rape if the woman is too intoxicated to consent, regardless of DNA evidence.

I raged because another Oklahoma law maker is trying to make it illegal for abortions to be performed on a “host” without the written informed consent of the fetus’ father.

Rick Santorum has argued that sexual assault victims should “accept this horribly created” pregnancy because it is “nevertheless a gift in a very broken way” and that, when it comes down to it, a victim just has “to make the best out of a bad situation.”  That post-rape pregnancies are God’s way of saying, ‘I understand your pain and I bless you with this child to comfort you in your life ahead.

Apparently that’s “a better and mentally healthier perspective than aborting the child”.

And this is just a sampling of the love muffin wars that have dominated our news feeds.

Can you guess what I did next?

I got angry

Global warming is a real problem but Tangerine Voldemort would rather trump the law, signing a “Muslim Ban” executive order.

I got angry because instead of worrying about air pollution, drinking water, and guns PEEOTUS is at war with VAGINAS.

The only garden the Orange Asshat is interested in saving is of the Lady variety.  And by ‘saving’ I mean controlling.

Enough?

Are we ready to say enough is enough? Have we not fought hard enough?

Checking your privilege

We have fought.  We have marched.  We’ve created change to allow everyone the civil rights they deserve.

As women we have fought for the right to vote, the right to be equals, the right to choose what happens to our bodies.  We persisted for the rights of all women, regardless of race or religion.

Same-sex marriages are now legally recognized and parents aren’t forced to adopt their own children.  Trans men & women can use whichever washroom they see fit without having to prove their gender to the pee-pee police.  * Edited to add: Actually, never mind.  I swear this article becomes more and more irrelevant by the day as new executive orders and repeals creep up.

We are here because we fought and I’ll be damned if I’ll sit back and watch democracy, decency, and humanity roll backwards.

I am a proud Franco-Ontarian.  French Canadians fought for the right to go to school in French or in English, for the right to be served in the official language of our choice.

When they tried to close the only French-teaching hospital west of Quebec we fought to not only save the hospital but also to protect minority rights for all Canadians.

Humanity must move forward

We * are * privileged, and we haven’t fought the good fight for this long to let people like Trumpelstiltskin come in and steal it from us.

Instead we must commit.

Commit to using this privilege to effect positive change.

Doesn’t everyone deserve to know this privilege?

This stops now, or Darth Hater will have more than just angry pussies to worry about.

Speak up.  Speak out.  Resist.

Do not conform and assimilate.  Do not ignore the silencing of those whose voices can’t be heard.

When history lessons will teach of the Big Cheeto 45th president and how he was taken down by Teen Vogue and GQ, how the revolution was led by park rangers and scientists…  When dissertations are written on this topic, how will you relive the past?

For all those times you’ve said “if I were alive when that happened I would have done…”  This is it.  This is your time, your chance.

It’s time to stand on the right side of history and fight for all we’ve fought for.

Get it together Humanity.

Netflix Brings Offline Viewing to the Table

Netflix Brings Offline Viewing to the Table

Netflix Brings Offline Viewing to the Table

#StreamTeam

When do I get on a plane next, because I need to try this feature.

Netflix now allows you to DOWNLOAD designated programming to your tablet or phone for offline viewing. No more paying through the nose for Boingo Hotspots just so I can keep busy on a layover.  No more paying for on-board WiFi only to find out it doesn’t support streaming.

And being able to watch anywhere, without having to worry about my data?  Priceless.

Now on @Netflix_CA - Downloadable content for #OfflineViewing Click To Tweet

So – What’s the first thing you’ll be downloading?

While you’re here – Check out my gift guide & shop the Finding Funny store to help support this blog

As a member of the Netflix #StreamTeam I receive special perks and incentives in exchanging for sharing the awesome, however all data overages and binge-watching exhaustion are all mine.  Oh, and my opinions, too :).

Dating 101 and Uncommon Goods

Dating 101 and Uncommon Goods

Ya’ll know I have a gift guide, right? One that strives to deliver unique gift ideas at all price points, for everyone on your list?

Yeah.  That one.

So it was no surprise when an email came in asking if I’d review their wares and share my thoughts with you.

What was surprising, however, is the love affair that ensued.

Whhoooooohyyy it’s a hot one

It all started with a simple glance.  A peek, a look-see… could this be a match?

uncommon goods

OMG Glitters & Sparkles.

Because anyone who knows me will tell you – If it glitters and sparkles… it’s all me.  Following the glittery gold my eyes went straight for the ampersand cheese board.

Sold.  Done.  I’m in.

As I spent hours (!!!) going through the site I just couldn’t get enough.  If products could be soulmates, these were my soulmates.  The anywhere travel guide? It gets me.

When I got to the F-Bomb paperweight… I whispered “You complete me“.

Dating 101

As in online dating, I went CSI Google to find out as much as I can before I agreed to a date.

I found out integrity & sustainability is important to Uncommon Goods.  From providing fair wages and health insurance to their staff to being committed to selling products that do no harm to animals or people.

Find someone you can bring anywhere

Ends up you can dress this one up and take it out.

Need a birthday date (gift)? Uncommon Goods.  

Going to a wedding?  Uncommon Goods is all dressed up and ready to go, complete with personalizing.

Fiance camping with the boys pre-wedding? Send him packing with Uncommon GoodsI hear it’s great for groomsmen gifts.

A lady should never get sloshed on the first date

Better to let them see you naked before you puke on their shoes.  

It’s easy to get carried away.  You’re clicking through pages, you’re full of endorphin, and you’ve just found the. perfect. thing. for everyone you know * and * their cat.

Calm down, relax, step away from the shopping cart.  3 date rule, right?

Kidding!  (But the look on your face…)

I’m not saying don’t buy anything… I’m just saying you can come back for seconds, thirds, or however much you want!  Your credit card will thank you for showing mild restraint.

Swiped Right?

If I could have swiped right or left instead of bookmarking all the things, the following is what I would have picked.  Check them out, and peruse the site.

I’m guessing you’ll have a few new must-haves that will leave you pining till you clear up some available credit on your credit card.

Have any dating tips?  Looking to compare notes on the (uncommon) goods?  That comment box ain’t going anywhere 😉

Halloween Fun with Beat Bugs & Word Party

Halloween Fun with Beat Bugs & Word Party

Halloween Fun with Beat Bugs & Word Party

#StreamTeam

My kids love Halloween and they were stoked when we got a pumpkin carving kit from Netflix. We had several designs to choose from, and they picked Beat Bugs and Word Party.

It’s easy to make fun and interesting pumpkin designs – here’s how we did it.

Start by printing your desired designs.  Thicker stock paper works better, as does ‘chunkier’ designs.

You’ll also need to gather a few useful tools.  You can kits at places like Walmart or the grocery store.

Cut out the insides of your image – the parts that will be removed – and tape it onto the pumpkin.

These two designs worked really well because they didn’t have many intricate details.

Trace out and / or fill in the design on your pumpkin, as if you were using a stencil.

Filling in is a little messier than tracing but it really helps the kids see what needs to come off versus what stays.

Now, destroy your masterpiece.

I mean… Use your tools to carve your design.  Yes, there’s a How to Train your Dragon in there… It was disastrous, the boy fell off at the last cut.

And Voila! Beautiful-ish pumpkins that didn’t stress you out at all while the kids insisted on doing everything themselves ;).

Now the fun begins, your kitchen will be a disaster.  Enjoy the fruits of your labour (pun intended).

Up Your Sexting Game with Some CSS

Up Your Sexting Game with Some CSS

Up Your Sexing Game with Some CSS

how geeking out (almost) got me laid

*** The contents of this post may or may not have been crowdsourced.  User discretion is advised***

Step 1: CSS – The Basics

Word of the wise… The techniques described herein are not for the uninitiated.  This text assumes the reader has prior experience with sexting and a working knowledge of HTML / CSS.  If you need to look up any of these terms… this tutorial is not meant for you.

The first step in upping your sexting game with CSS is announcing to the world that you can, in fact, banter in such ways.

I recently added a bit of CSS to my online dating profile and it goes like this:

all_around_awesome_man {

visibility: always!important;

background: transparent;

position: relative;

display: block;

height: 5616px;

min-height: 4536px;

max-height: 80%;

career: absolute;

humour: inline;

}

The original idea behind this was to eliminate the idiots – those with a single-digit IQ will have no clue what jargon I put up and will move on.  Others, regardless if they know what I’m actually saying, would at least understand it appears to be some kind of coding language.

The friends who get you

This little bit of code generated some interesting conversations in a few of my online groups and some of the more notable comments follow.

“Can you ID such a man by his class” garnered some laughs, and the ladies were quick to point out I should create a few other classes,  .not-tonight or .girls_night, to counter the visibility: always command.  There was much laughter and I thought that was the end of that.

Step 2: Banter with a FFTW (Friend From The Web)

The next few days saw some mild bantering via private message with a FFTW.  This va et vien was quite innocent and random at best.

css1

Until it wasn’t.

css2

css3

Step 3: 1st base is for sissies

Talk may have been had re: international booty call but you’ll need to give me a lot of wine to get those details out of me.

This, however, is where one jumps in with:

.clothing { display: none; }

Cuts the chitter-chatter and brings it back to basics.  Hold on to your hats ladies, it’s all sexy from here.  I’d say hold on to your pants, but it appears you just dropped them ;).

Step 4:  Game On

css4

The FFTW in question will be left mind-blown, speechless, and likely wanting more – which is exactly where you want him.   Not only is he now turned on by the idea of sex… You got him weak in the knees using your noggin.

Of course, this only works if he actually understands a word you’re saying.  See step 1.

Step 5: When Shit Gets Weird, and It Will

Random and unplanned sexy ventures always get weird whether we want to admit it or not.   This is where you * do * need to pull up your big-girl pants and own your awesomeness.

css5

Handle yourself with grace, add some humour, and leave the door open for more – maybe, possibly, someday.

And to finish…

Sexting isn’t always about the sex.  It’s not always about the nudies and the dick pics, it doesn’t have to be crass and crude though I’ve heard “pussy” isn’t as bad a word as I thought it was.  It can be fun, engaging, and stimulating (uhm… goes without saying I hope).

So Ladies, Gentlemen… how do you up your game?

 

 

 

 

Writing the Thing

Writing the Thing

Writing the Thing

I have a thing I need to write.

I really should write it, but how do you write the thing you can’t bring yourself to write?

Instead I’m sitting at the pub trying not to ogle the table of ten good looking men that just showed up for what can only be post-game drinks. Ten sexy, manly, men in jeans.

You can tell it’s getting cooler when the men show up in jeans.  Tight jeans.

Did I mention there were ten of them?

Tinder tells me I’ve already eliminated everyone within a 10km radius.  How inappropriate would it be to walk over and check out who’s married or not?

I shouldn’t.  Besides, I’m not exactly on a mission to shag my way through Ottawa.

When the kids are gone… It’s lonely.

I’m happy I truly am.  But happiness doesn’t really warm the sheets now does it?  The house… it feels so big, so quiet.

So I sit here.

Watching the ten sexy men in their tight jeans drinking beer… Remember those cartoons with the cat looking at the bird but really seeing a perfectly cooked tender turkey?

Yeah that.

I’m staring at a table, seeing yummy turkeys I could claim for my own if I had the will the go hunting, waxing poetic on the virtues of men in jeans, instead of writing the thing that needs writing.

Maybe the real reason I’m feeling so lonely these days is the realization that my marriage was a sham.  Imagine finding out your husband – the love of your life, the high school sweetheart you reconnected with – wanted to leave you when you were actively trying to get pregnant… the first time.  7 years he hated me, resented this life we built, gave me 2 amazing babies…

7 years I fought for our marriage, and what for?

Never change?

Even him.  Even * he * couldn’t love me, truly love me, without wanting to change me.

So when you start realizing men only seem to give you attention when they’re horny you start to wonder… what the ever loving fuck is wrong with me?

And that’s when I feel lonely.  Sitting at the pub watching these gorgeous men laugh and share stories over beer and wings.  Would it really change anything, if one of them came on to me?

Probably not.  So I really should write the thing now.

Except the guy who went for the tall skinny blonde instead of intelligent conversation just walked in, so maybe I’ll stick around just a bit longer.  Who knows…  and I may have a small hankering for turkey right about now.

McDreamy is McGone

McDreamy is McGone

My McDreamy is McGone

and so I Netflix

I pay for cable.  I pay a lot of money for cable.  

The one cable box we have?  It’s in my parents’ living room.  If I’m in the mood to watch junkyard wars, every kind of bush / naked / alaska people argue it out on screen, or deadliest catch ad nauseam… I could watch all the TV I want, 24 hours a day.

Sadly (or thankfully, depending on where you stand) none of these interest me and I get twinges of cable withdrawal syndrom from time to time.  Mostly in the summer when all the shows are on break.

So I Netflix.  A lot.

When my television alerted me new episodes of Grey’s Anatomy were now available, I had the brilliant idea to binge-watch from the very beginning.

Do you remember those first few seasons?  Addison, living in the trailer with Derek.  Derek & Meredith, sharing a dog.  Becoming friends.

The way Shepherd looks at Grey the crinkling of his eyes as he laughs from the heart. His gentleness and compassion as he helps her through rough moments.  The sadness in his eyes when she’s not looking.

McDreamy

I had my McDreamy.

An old boyfriend, married (as I was), a friend.  Perhaps the only friend who knew all of me.

The way Derek looks at Meredith?  He used to look at me that way.  Our friendship evolved over the years, going from the ‘happy b-day / merry xmas’ type, to the once a month chat kind, to the weekly and eventually almost daily chats.

We laughed – a lot.

We were there for each other as a sounding board.  Comforting, supporting, and helping each other out through our respective marital issues.

The tension was always there.  I spent years making sure our conversations didn’t cross the line, reigning it in when it got too close to too much.  We were both so miserable… He was my cheerleader, never failing to believe in me. We were the escape we both needed.

I don’t need to tell you what happened next – I’m sure you can figure it out.

I tried leaving my husband a few times, but he always begged for me to keep fighting for us.

He found out about a year ago and by then we were truly having an affair, having seen each other a few times over the previous months.

Needless to say, my McDreamy is McGone.

I still think of him.  I still reach for the phone when I need a joke, or when I come across an article I think he would like.  And then I stop myself, because he’s no longer there.  I am dead to him, and he to me.  Or he should be.  But I still think of him.

I miss him, our friendship, the easiness between us.

So as I navigate this world of dating I fill the empty moments with Mer/Der screen time.

What are you binge-watching these days?  What fills up your moments?

As a member of the Netflix #StreamTeam I get perks, but all stories, laughs, and heartbreaks are my own 😉

 

 

L’école Bernard-Grandmaître célèbre sont 10eme anniversaire

L’école Bernard-Grandmaître célèbre sont 10eme anniversaire

L'école Bernard-Grandmaître célèbre sont 10eme anniversaire

Café en mains je me demande comment le temps a pu passé si vite; ce n’est qu’hier que je me suis perdu dans les yeux de Chloe pour la première fois.  Plus bébé, elle rejoint maintenant ses sœurs à la grande école, à la maternelle.

Un bouquet d’odeurs familières – papier, craies de tableau, mine de crayon – nous accueille dès la rentrée scolaire.  Un parfum nostalgique, il ne tarde d’offrir ses promesses d’aventures, de camaraderies, et d’un apprentissage qui se poursuivra loin des murs d’école.

Une école de quartier sans pareille

Dans le jeune quartier de Riverside South nos familles francophone sont desservies par l’école catholique Bernard-Grandmaître.

À l’occasion du 10e anniversaire de vie scolaire l’équipe-école, ses élèves, et leur famille on fait la fête en soirée du 1er septembre.

école bernard-grandmaître

Sous un soleil chaud de fin d’été on s’est bourré de blé d’inde, de poutine, et de gâteau.  Suite à un mot de bienvenue de notre directrice et d’une prière de l’Abbé  Jacques nous avons entendu Chad Mariage, conseiller scolaire.  Michael Qaquish, conseiller municipal, a remis un certificat à la direction.

école bernard-grandmaître

L’honorable Pierre Poilievre eut son tour au micro, suivit d’une remise de cadeau à M. Bernard Grandmaître.  Les discours englobe un thème commun: nos racines culturelles, notre fierté franco-ontarienne, les droits pour lesquels nous nous sommes battus.

école bernard-grandmaître

Apprendre en français

Le privilège d’apprendre en français n’est pas un acquit.  Le règlement 17, adopté en 1912 et aboli en 1927, interdit d’utiliser le français comme langue d’enseignement en Ontario.  En effet, le gouvernement provincial reconnaît officiellement l’existence des écoles francophone qu’en 1968 lorsqu’il modifie la Loi sur l’éducation.

bernard grandmaître

Malgré les efforts individuels de différents ministères ce n’est qu’en 1986 que la Loi sur les services en français est introduite par Bernard Grandmaître, ministre des Affaires francophones.

école bernard-grandmaître

Nos enfants ne peuvent imaginer un monde ou le français n’est pas requit pour travailler avec le publique.  Le regard incrédule de mes filles lorsqu’on en discute raffermi mon engagement à leur éducation culturelle.

Des souvenirs d’antan

La soirée s’enchaîne avec un spectacle du groupe Les Cinq Pierres.  Voir Brian St-Pierre sur la scène m’a donné un flash-back à ma jeunesse.

brian st-pierre les cinq pierres école bernard-grandmaître

Des souvenirs du festival franco-ontarien, de la FESFO et des Jeux franco-ontariens.  J’avoue que c’est tout un Lise Paiement Spécial dans ma tête depuis quelque jours.

les cinq pierres école bernard-grandmaître

Ma plus vieille – une groupie bourgeonnante – s’est pressée vers la scène des le spectacle terminé, faute de manquer sa chance à une autographe et ‘photo op’ avec la jolie Mélina.

les cinq pierres mélina école bernard-grandmaître

On dégage le filet

C’est avec fierté, plaisirs et amitiés que l’on entame une nouvelle année scolaire; que l’on célèbre notre héritage, notre drapeau, notre langue.

Ravie du privilège accordé à mes enfants, cette année mes trois cocottes se lancent vers les bras ouverts d’une équipe école dévouée à l’épanouissement de nos petits.

Joyeuse rentrée scolaire à tous, que l’année soit une aventure inoubliable.

 

 

 

 

The Beatles… euh…. Beat Bugs on Netflix

The Beatles… euh…. Beat Bugs on Netflix

The Beatles... euh.... Beat Bugs on Netflix

#StreamTeam

“Lucy in the sky-yyy- above!”

What the ever loving…

The three year old has been humming and signing Beatles songs all morning.  After the King Julien fiasco, I * know * this isn’t a time warp… but it sure does feel a lot like Mr Soulard’s 7th grade music class.

And it feels good

I had wondered, who would instill a love of the Beatles in my kids the way our middle school teacher did.  I may have spent more time reminiscing today.

The kids are hooked.  I haven’t watched the show yet, but they sure as heck look cute!

beat bugs

I’m all for TV giving my kids missing pieces of culture, if they’re sitting there watching the boob tube anyways.

Sight unseen – but not unheardI’m a fan.  You should watch it, and so should your kids!

Creativity drives innovation at Mattel

Creativity drives innovation at Mattel

Creativity drives innovation at Mattel

notes from Adobe Summit

I blog.  Therefore I conference.

It’s the nature of the beast – not that I’m complaining.  Going to so many conferences – as a speaker, an attendee, or with press credentials – I’ve seen many products come to market.

I get to hear about them months before they come out,  to see the ads run and be the cool mom who’s already played with that toy, to be the in-the-know friend who says you should wait an extra month because what’s coming out will blow your mind.

I was at Blogger Bash (#BBNYC) last month and saw many such products which you’ll hear about throughout the following months.

One product, however, made me squeal like a schoolgirl when I realized what was in front of me: the Fisher Price 4-in-1 Total Clean High Chair.

What’s so special about a high chair?  Every piece goes in the dishwasher.

You heard me.  Every.  Piece.  is dishwasher safe.  Just quickly and easily pull it apart and enjoy your baby while your dishwasher goes to town <insert cheesy ceremonial music>.

A First Look

I first heard of this high chair at Adobe #Summit2016 in Las Vegas.  Richard Dickson, President & COO at Mattel, gave a compelling keynote on inspiring experience through creativity.

I didn’t see a single blogger friend in the 10k+ attendees at Summit, but all of my blogger friends should see this keynote.

What Richard talked about – from the history of Mattel, to reinventing the image of Barbie, to inspiring a new generation while getting moms to like them just a little bit more… I was impressed.

Not in the sense that I’m now a die-hard ‘must buy everything Mattel’ fan – but impressed, and inspired, by the evolution of the brand and its offerings.

You Should Watch This

I could go on for hours recapping his 1/2 hour talk.  Instead, I’m going to put it here for you to view – it’s worth it.

Save the link and come back later if you don’t have time, but make the time.  What he has to say is important, and we should all be listening.

The #branding keynote every blogger should watch #Summit2016 Click To Tweet

* edited to add – Instead of sending you over to the Summit website, I’ve uploaded the video to YouTube.  You can still watch this and all other Summit sessions here.

This is Why I Run

This is Why I Run

Yesterday I ran. Today I run

and I'm ok

What a difference 2 years make.

Two years ago tonight I was in San Jose with friends for a blogging conference.  My time in San Jose was life-changing and followed by months of internal dialogue.

I look at my life, at where I was in July 2014, in July of last year.  So much has changed.  I never imagined this would be my narrative today.

Dealing with change

Alas it is, and so I started running.  These words came to me by bits and pieces as I became stronger, as I went farther, as I continued to crush personal records.  These words haunted my runs like ghosts in a castle.  Unable to escape they found their way to pen and paper.

As I lay my ghosts to rest I hope they will find peace in the night.

The heart remembers

I run because you never asked me to tone it down for you, because who I am excites you, because time proves this was a rare gift.

I run because it’s lonely when you’re just. too. much. for most people.  You… never thought I was too much.

I run because you never failed to make me laugh when I needed it most, because I can no longer count on you for a joke.

I run because you get me, and I you, because none of it was enough. Once it became enough… it was too late.

What was once is no more

I run because fireworks and David Bowie, because Coronas and stupid bets, to ignore colourful explosions reminiscent of summers long ago.

I run to forget we ever boycotted McCain, to forget I still wonder if it’s a thing.

I run because I can almost see you standing there, smiling.  A quick wave, a blink, and you fade away. I run because there’s no shoulder to lean on.

I run because I miss this, but also to forget I once loved you and remember I’m strong.  Old habits die hard – I still pick up the phone to call you sometimes only to remember I can’t.

Holding space

I run because I saved you whilst you dared leave me to drown, because my cries for help went unanswered.  With one breath you encouraged me to survive and with the other you tried to drown me.

I run because I protect you still with our secrets, moments which force me to hold space for you.  I’m tired.  Tired of holding space, tired of resenting space that can never be filled.  I run to forget you hold any real estate in my heart.

I run because you will never bear the true consequences of your choices. I run because I gave up everything to protect you.  I’ve been gracious, I took it all in stride.  I’ve nothing left to lose and yet you’ve lost nothing.

I run because you may as well have died suddenly, unexpectedly.  Just… gone.  You continue to live on in the life and hearts of many while I struggle to bury the undead.

Ruins of destruction

I run because you didn’t hesitate to betray me.  You took what were bittersweet memories and made them cheap with lack of intention, denied a friendship long cherished.

I run because I’m angry you’ll never experience the loss I’ve been through. Because I’m not angry enough to destroy you.  I run to numb the pain.

I run because I found freedom, because freedom comes with a price. I run to remember I’m a good person – one who’s worthy of friendship, respect, even love.

I run to forget the scarlet letters on the wall.

Rebuilding my village

I run because life moves on and three beautiful girls need me here, need me whole. I run because I’m crawling back from the dark and I’m afraid to fall back in.

I run to see life and catch the wind in my fingers.

I run to forgive you for failing to protect me.  I run to forgive you for your happiness. I run because I’m angry and hurt, because I don’t want to cry.  I can’t run away – but I can run.

Running for joy

Tonight I ran for the simple pleasure of running. The cold breeze on my face.  The pounding rhythm of my feet hitting the pavement.  The pride in knowing I can.

Tonight I ran for me.

mervyn valadares  Mervyn Valadares  VLPC  Valadares Law Professional Corporation mervyn valadares  Mervyn Valadares  VLPC  Valadares Law Professional Corporation mervyn valadares  Mervyn Valadares  VLPC  Valadares Law Professional Corporation mervyn valadares  Mervyn Valadares  VLPC  Valadares Law Professional Corporation mervyn valadares  Mervyn Valadares  VLPC  Valadares Law Professional Corporation mervyn valadares  Mervyn Valadares  VLPC  Valadares Law Professional Corporation

Slapstick Comedy for Kids on Netflix

Slapstick Comedy for Kids on Netflix

Slapstick Comedy for Kids on Netflix

Bernard & Larva

I love watching stupid funny.  The slapstick stuff you don’t need to think about to enjoy.

And maybe it’s a little ‘pipi-caca-fesse‘ but let’s be honest – sometimes that’s exactly what you need.

Ends up the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  The girls’ current favorites for non-stop laughs is Bernard and Lava.

Bernard is a bear who gets into situation.  He’s been a staple on our Netflix roster for a while now.

Netflix Bernard

Larva

The other day I let the girls watch a bit of TV in my room and they begged for Larva.

WTF is Larva was my first thought.  I’d never heard of this show before but the kids seemed to know what they were talking about.

Thankfully I didn’t have to go looking far for it, it was a suggested option on the kids’ profile.  And instead of working (which is what I was planning on doing) I sat there and laughed my ass off for two hours right along with them.

larva netflix

Seriously funny stuff over there, you should check it out.

This post is brought to you by my participation in the Netflix #StreamTeam.  I have not been paid for this post but I do get some nice perks :).

Tinder vs POF for the non-millenial

Tinder vs POF for the non-millenial

Tinder vs POF

i'm laughing too

Tinder.

I’ll pause a moment while you laugh all the laughs.  Because that’s what I did.

Except my friend appears to have found happiness from swiping and she’s even more seasoned than sweet cheeks over here.

It took some convincing and much Tanqueray but I decided what the heck, worth a few laughs right?

Here I am, weeks later, sitting at the very bar my tindering adventures started.

POF vs Tinder

I’m no stranger to online dating, having been a fan of Plenty of Fish and its price point in the past.  Being able to narrow a search down to a few km away helps cause I have no time to be traipsing around the city meeting men.

It’s great.  You see someone you like, you send a message….. and you wait.  And wait.  And hope that perhaps, maybe, one day, someone will have the grace to reply.

You wait. And wait. And hope that perhaps, maybe, one day, someone will say hi #dating #POF Click To Tweet

It worked, sort of.  I’ve met all of 1 person from POF that went beyond the 1st date, always a win in my books.  The strapping (accomplished, witty, responsible, and hot AF) fella & I have been on several dates in the last few months and we always have fun.

It’s nice when you can hang out with someone who gets you, and * really * gets you <wink, wink>, and you don’t have to worry about what it means.  You enjoy each other when you’re together, whatever it means in the moment.  Bonus, he thinks I’m hilarious which is always sexy in my books.

Tinder?  Lots (and lots) of swiping left.  For you non tind-experts that means ‘helllll NO‘.  Unlike POF someone can’t message you if you swiped left.  Convénient, n’est-ce pas?

To swipe right is to give the app permission to allow strange men from the web to contact you.

Sounds so seedy and gross and wrong…. but that’s really what you’re doing if you get down to it.

Bottom line, if you both swiped right the app will let you message each other.

<insert Star Wars opening sequence music here>

Fucking.  Brilliant.

Right?!?

It almost feels like an old aerobics tape – ‘Swipe left, swipe left, to the right ladies, to the right!‘.  And then you wait…  and wait.  And hope that perhaps, maybe, one day, someone will have the grace to say hi.

Having been around this block a few times I’ll initiate the conversation if I’m interested enough.  At the first sign of mommy issues, unsolicited dick pics, or general malaise one feels around creepy men…. Unmatch.  They can’t even message to ask why you’ve dropped off the face of the earth.  Wonderful!

What you can expect to find on Tinder

Well… let’s see.

The one with all the kids

Single Dad & I had a good time, but our schedules conflict so we haven’t seen each other again.

The one who just wants to fuck

The Pilot & I talked on and off for weeks until we met for what I thought was a date and he thought was a booty call.  He promptly left and I haven’t heard from him since.  Good riddance, is what I say.

The One Who Still Lives With His ‘Ex-Wife’

After texting for a few days we met for lunch and it was going great…  Until 1/2 hour in he casually mentions he’s still living with his ex.

The Closet Exhibitionist

We joked about going skinny dipping but settled on a coffee date – which led to a nice long walk, great conversation….. and the beach.

“I’m going in” he says.  Yeah right!  His clothes dropped and he dove into the water.

I'm going in, he says. His clothes dropped and he dove into the water. Click To Tweet

My first thought was hmmmm nice ass.  Then…. Oh wtf, why not.  I took off my dress and swam out to him in naught but my underthings.  We splashed, we swam, we kissed…. and nothing else.  He’s not ready to really meet anyone right now, and frankly it was nice to be on a date with a man who wasn’t just trying to sack me.

Maybe I’ll see him again when things settle down on his end, then again maybe he’ll miss the boat.  I’m a good catch you know – someone could manage to sweep me off my feet before then.

The European Mutt

This is a special one.  He’s not exactly tall but what he lacks in height he makes up for in looks and ego.  He claims kissing is an art and he is the master.

Frankly the only art I noticed was when he tried to draw on my nose with his uvula.

The only art I noticed was when he tried to draw on my nose with his uvula #kissing #Tinder… Click To Tweet

There are many more types I’m sure but I do have a life.

The verdict

Tinder conversations are more spontaneous, conversational.  POF has more of a staccato rhythm.

POF is great if you want to build a meaningful relationship with someone before meeting and finding out there is absolutely no chemistry.

Tinder is great if you’re really lazy.

Tinder lets you ‘pre-vet’ matches.  As it’s linked to your Facebook account you can be reasonably sure you’re getting a real name, real age, and you can see your common connections – if any.  The likelihood of them being who they say they are is pretty good. 

POF has a ‘you’ve got mail’ feel.  Tinder sometimes feels like market day at the farm.

Both will have the majority of guys showing a picture of them fishing, a shirtless shot, a terrible bathroom selfie, and maybe their professional head shot.  Some of the better ones have none of these.

So put yourself out there.  Take a chance.  But please do me a favor and don’t sit around waiting for a man to ask you out.

Don't sit around waiting for a man to ask you out. Go to the pub and have yourself a damn beer Click To Tweet

Kids are gone, house feels empty, and a cold beer sounds good?  Head on over to the pub and have yourself a damn beer.

Go out, have fun, be careful.

Be YOU.  Unapologetically.  What is it the kids say these days?  ‘Haters gonna hate’, ignore them.

Humour me and share your dating horrors and wins in the comments below – let’s laugh a little!

 

 

 

Context Travel in Montreal

Context Travel in Montreal

Montreal Tours for the Intellectually Curious Traveler

Context Travel Explore MontrealExplore Context Travel

For the love of history

I’m proud of my roots – both from my Native and French ancestors.  I feel very strongly about teaching our history to my kids and took the opportunity to go on a private tour with a docent from Context Travel in Montreal.

This wasn’t exactly throwing me into ‘cool mom’ territory but save for one whispered comment from Annabelle (“We get it, it’s a wall.  Is he gonna finish talking soon so we can keep going?” bhahahahhaha) the kids had a great time.

A few stops in shaded parks, an exploration of the local Starbucks for some cold drinks, and great discussions about history, French literature, and more.

If you love history, if you thrive on knowing the stories behind hidden gems, I recommend you book a tour with Context Travel.  Serving close to 40 cities world-wide there’s a great chance they’re in your next destination.

Private or group tours?

If you’re budget conscious or otherwise generally well-abled the group tours (maximum 6 people) are a great choice.

If you are traveling with special needs (wheelchair, stroller, etc), kids under 12, or you wish to make some modifications to the tour, I strongly suggest booking a private tour.

Being able to enjoy the full tour – e.g. if your child has to pee you’re not running to catch up with the group after – without missing anything or feeling like you need to be accommodated is a huge bonus.  I’ve traveled with my mom, who’s in a wheelchair.  I’ve traveled with kids.  I’ve traveled on my own and with friends.

By far my best experiences when traveling with my family were those where I took the seemingly indulgent options.  Ease of mind and minimal stress are priceless.  Do yourself a favor, and put yourself in a position to enjoy every magical moment of your vacation.

L’École des Hautes études commerciales

Le Vieux Montreal was known as the Latin district – generally, people in this area studied Latin.  This school, which knew some controversy, was the first to offer adult night classes in Canada.

Old Meets New

From Square Viger to classic row houses, l’École des Hautes études commerciales and Maison Jodoin to modern condos. Old and new marries to give you a glimpse of lifetimes long ago lived with the conveniences of contemporary urban living.

context travel in montreal
context travel in montreal maison jodoin
context travel in montreal
context travel in montreal

Our Docent was Amazing

As a single parent with 3 kids in different age groups, I thoroughly enjoyed the tour.

Daniel (Epstein) was fantastic at juggling the short attention span of the the younger kids while feeding the oldest with all the history she could absorb.

Notes from a 5th grader

I loved learning about how houses were built a certain way and why.  Daniel was a lot of fun too, definitely not boring.  The stories were neat, too.

Jasmine, 10 yrs old

context travel in montreal
context travel in montreal
context travel in montreal

Did You Know?

The Molson Brewery in Old Montreal is not only the oldest brewery in North-America, producing fine ales since 1786.  John Molson’s influence brought us the Montreal General Hospital, Canada’s first railway construction, and more.

context travel in montreal molson
context travel in montreal
context travel in montreal

“We still got to play”

I loved that the man was teaching us cool things, but I also loved that we got to stop in different parks to play while the adults talked.

Annabelle, 6 yrs old

context travel in montreal

What will you discover?

Where will your next adventure take you?  Take a leap and try #DeepTravel for an unforgettable experience.

Discover Context Travel in Montreal or one of the many cities they serve worldwide!

context travel in montreal

I Like to Move It | #StreamTeam

I Like to Move It | #StreamTeam

'90's hits & King Julian

#StreamTeam

I Like to Move-it-Move-it

The kids are * supposed * to be sleeping.

Except I can hear the 3 year old, singing at the top of her lungs in her bed.  “I like to move-it-move-it” – Over, and over, and over again.  Ad Nauseam.

That can only mean one thing: “Hot Tub Time Machine” is actually a thing and I’ve fallen back to the ’90’s.  With all the plaid I’m seeing these days I wouldn’t be surprised…

Guess Again, Watson

Nope.  No time warp.

King Julien.  He’s back.  Like… back! back.  Season three.

I never told them.  They found it on their own.  Damn thing started yesterday and they’re already halfway through the season.

It appears King Julien and his come-hither eyes are here to stay, for the next little while at least.  The kids love his eccentric tendencies, and I love ’90’s dance music.  Win-Win, right?

Right?!?

 

Sharing Moments Not A Mortgage

Sharing Moments Not A Mortgage

Dating

sharing Moments, not a mortgage

I’ve been sitting on this post for two weeks, hesitant to hit publish yet anxious to get it all out.

This whole being single and dating thing – I’m not good at it.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m * OK * with being single, I just don’t do it very well.

The last time I dated I was in my early twenties and I find not much has changed.

Heh.  Dating.  <shakes her head>

It’s a loaded word, isn’t it?  How pressed we are to make sure our status is undefined – ‘seeing each other’, ‘hanging out’, ‘chillin’ out’.  And to what end, really?  To make sure our partner 100% understands that this ‘isn’t serious?  To avoid making a commitment to one sole person? 

What is this, 10th grade?

Dating isn’t the same as ‘we’re serious’.

Sex & companionship don’t equate love.

The sex-companionship-love cocktail doesn’t automatically get you in ‘serious’ territory, even if you’re spending most of your free time together (knock her up though and you’ll get a violent shove towards serious).

One can participate in a pleasantly fulfilling monogamous relationship, sharing your moments and truly enjoying each other’s company (and yes, the sex).  You can love each other, fiercely, and yet none of this makes your relationship a serious one.

Serious is all that and much more

It’s planning for the future.

Serious is Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas morning.  Serious is cohabiting.

Serious is something you both choose, and it doesn’t happen overnight.

What Angele Wants

I want to share more than drinks and clean sheets.  I want to enjoy being ‘us’ – whatever the fuck that means today.

I want to be that person you call to gripe about the traffic and I care about your mom’s recovery from that fall.  I want to know when I’ll see you next – I’m not needy and clingy, I just don’t do well with unknowns – they make me anxious and I prefer to be calm.

I don’t want to be compartmentalized into one part of your life – I want to take part in it.

Still, I realize that for many this is all just too muchIt was too much 15 years ago, and it’s too much now.

I’m too much. 

I know that.  I always have been.

I’m too forward.  I laugh too loud.  I speak my mind.  I go after what I want, be it a career or a quick romp in the hay.

My professional skills span too many industries.  I interrupt, I get too excited, I’m loud, and why all the goddamned sparkly clothes!

I don’t fit in your box.

I probably never will.  But if you’re willing to look past that you’ll find a simple, no-nonsense woman who loves life.

Let’s go hiking, fly a plane upside down, or Netflix and chill.  A good ‘ole comedy and some action-packed adventure flick sounds great.  I’ll get the popcorn and wine.

Enjoy being with me Let me enjoy being with you.  I want to share moments, not a mortgage.

I know that, today, I don’t want to spend my moments wonderingwe’re too old for this shit.

I know, I know…. you don’t have to say it

Too much

Single Parent does Roadtrip, Survives #StreamTeam

Single Parent does Roadtrip, Survives #StreamTeam

Single Parent does Roadtrip... Survives, Barely.

#StreamTeam

I’ve been known to take the kids away in May for our ‘summer’ trip – mostly because I hate crowds and inflated prices.

Except this year was different. 

This was the first time I loaded up the new Ford Escord, stuffed 3 kids and 2 carseats + gear, and headed out into the unknown that is #kickassroadtrip.

Logistics

Thankfully, I had the sense God gave me and split up our trip in 2 segments.  Monday & Tuesday we were at Parc Omega – where we camped amidst the wolves and such – followed by a wonderful tour of Montreal with Context Tours.

We were supposed to leave for Toronto on Wednesday morning but we took a break (more on that soon) and spent Thursday & Friday in Toronto with the help of CityPass.

Beg & Bribe

This being my first trip outnumbered 3-1, I begged and bribed Ann to come with us to Parc Omega & Montreal.  I may have made unfounded promises that she would not get eaten by a bear (ends up that’s true!), I may have bribed with the idea of a memorable #kickassroadtrip… And so she came.

I don’t think Ann will ever come on a trip with my kids ever again!  We laugh about it now… 

“I HOE, I HOE…”

Thursday morning came too fast.  Into the car I shoved the kids and our gear, this time sans 2nd adult.  About 7 hours later we reached Toronto (should have been 4…).

This time I decided to bribe my friend Maureen.

“Come with us to the CN Tower, I miss you!”

“The aquarium will be fun with 3 kids, I promise!”

Truth is I bribed her with wine and much gossip.  After an exhausting afternoon and dinner the kids enjoyed “the best part of the whoooole week”: sleeping in a hotel room.  I’m not ashamed to admit Maureen & I made a ‘picnic’ area on the door of our tiny hotel room and gossiped till the wee hours, when she stumbled (ok, walked) into an Uber and left me with my captors children.

Friday morning I ventured out to the Science Center like the grown-ass woman I am – alone with the kids.  I felt… ready.  Ready to take on this challenge, something I wasn’t earlier in the week.

3 museum hours, 6 driving hours (why does it take so much longer with kids!!!) and we were finally home, where I declared I wasn’t taking them anywhere until next summer.

Chaneling Diana Ross

Three days have passed and I still haven’t recovered.  But I will survive.

I’m well on my way to recovering thanks to the magic of Netflix.  

Yup.  After a hectic week I was * that * mom.  I let them watch as much and whatever they wanted.  And watch they did.

I can’t tell you exactly what they streamed as my eyes are still glazed over from last week – but it was definitely in the kids’ profile.  And they LOVED it.  And I survived.

I survived my first post-divorce, single-parent, trip with 3 kids, and you will too.   You might need to beg and bribe, but you will survive this.

I will survive

* as part of the Netflix #StreamTeam I receive perks and goodies in exchange for my words, but rest assured all glass-eyed inducing activities as well as my views are strictly my own. 

Standing at the corner of Single and Midlife Sex

Standing at the corner of Single and Midlife Sex

Standing at the Corner of Single and Midlife Sex

I have arrived...

I was going through the blog last night, reading old posts and reflecting on all the things.

Good Lord, have I been a buzz-kill lately.  So while I appreciate y’all sticking around through my writer’s block and depressing posts I promise you, the funnies are coming back.

This morning for example.

Today was the day it all became official.  It started off as any normal day should – We turned off the water last night due to a plumbing issue so I was forced to wee where one had previously wee’d.

I sacrificed the water in the Keurig to wash my hands with full intentions of picking up a coffee on my way across town to the fancy ghetto notary who, for 25$, would pronounce us officially divorced etc.

I'll grab coffee OMW to the ghetto notary who, for 25$, would pronounce us officially divorced Click To Tweet

Apparently I enjoy pain so when the ex & I went stopped at Timmy’s (we live blocks apart, it really didn’t make sense to take 2 cars) I decided ‘screw the coffee!  Let’s go for the Iced Cap instead!‘.

I hesitated, almost changing my order.  But really, how bad could it be?  I’ve only just about shit myself in Ikea – and other fine locales – after one such beverage but today would be different right?  RIGHT?!?!?!?

The ‘Vegas’ Quickie

Formalizing this kind of thing is surprisingly quicker than a bad quickie after a dry spell.  Small blessings?  Because that’s when it happened.

My stomach rumbled.  Cramped.  My cheeks got all tingly and warm and all I could think of was ‘dear God please let me make it home’.

Home.

Where the water is turned off.

FUCK.  Fuckity-fuck-fuck.

With every twist, turn, construction delay and red light I prayed.  He laughed – even offered to stop on the side of the road.  All the nopes.

I ordered strongly advised him to stop at this place.  Because I value good plumbing.  And I can’t afford to get his car detailed.  But mostly because of the plumbing.

Did I mention we’d had Chinese food the night before?  The very Chinese food I eat oh, maybe, twice a year?

I made it.  Barely.

Thankfully the washroom is right by the front door.

As I washed my hands a few minutes later, having flushed at least 3 times while seriously considering stepping on the scale, I started feeling better.

He followed me outside and I couldn’t help but laugh at the horror in his voice.  “What the hell crawled up there and died?!?  Next time you’re using your own bathroom, water or not water”.

It was a shitty morning.

And that’s all I could say to the hot guy who asked how my morning was.  Sexy right? 

About as sexy as the wookie who’s taken up residence on what used to be my legs.  Oh.  And almost as sexy as the thought of inviting a man over and having to introduce him, pre-nookie, to your mom – who’s temporarily laid up, thus residing in your living room.

OMG It’s Happening

I’m standing at the corner of Single & Midlife Sex and the future of my sex life just flashed before my eyes.  This is where one would typically insert a self-deprecating joke involving old abandoned mine shafts but there’s a glimmer of hope.

After all, I * did * just lose about 10 lbs in 3 minutes. #silverlinings

Standing at the corner of Single and Midlife Sex. I have arrived, y'all. Click To Tweet

No Longer a Wife: That time I pulled up my big girl pants

No Longer a Wife: That time I pulled up my big girl pants

No longer a wife

or that time I pulled up my big girl pants

Change.

I’m not good at it.  It’s scary.  Good… but scary.  I don’t handle the unknown very well and this past little while has been chock-full of it.

I bought a car.  I am now a proud owner of a new-to-me Ford Escape I acquired without the help of ‘fuck-me’ financing – you know, those 24% + hideous things they call ‘loans’?  More like loan shark…

I’ve made some changes in my business, enjoying the flexibility of a more creative role while continuing the work I’ve always done.

I’ve said Goodbye to old dreams and Hello to a new life.  I’ve failed amid success; I got lost on paths well known.

I’ve lost a husband.  I’ve lost a friend…

I’ve lost weight I didn’t * need * to lose – though I’ll admit it hasn’t done any harm to my chronically curvy self.

I found dignity amidst the rubble that was once my life.  I lost my voice and all but forgot how to write.

I discovered the bliss behind ‘Five More Minutes’.  Five more minutes of pretending this world is not yours, not just yet.  Five more minutes of blissful ignorance of the troubles brought on by daylight.

I reconnected with my past – the woman I was before children.  I found her enjoying the last few rays of a warm spring afternoon, surrounded by tulips and the smell of fresh-turned soil.

I found myself and all but lost everything in the process.  I found my voice at the expense blissful ignorance.

I am no longer a wife

I no longer sport the symbol of apparent marital success – a large diamond and a Facebook status.

I am a mother; I will fiercely protect my littles from harm while teaching them to see beauty in the wild.

I am a daughter; caring for aging parents and navigating a health care system that wasn’t designed for those suffering.

I am a sister; at least, I hope I still am.

< allow me to interject a bit of humour as I can’t help but think of  William Shatner’s ‘I Am Canadian’ speech in the face of so many ‘I am’s>

I catch myself in the freezer aisle wondering if we’re still boycotting McCain… only to remember I’m not allowed those thoughts anymore.

I don’t have an answer for my girls when they ask why they can’t play soccer with the boys.  The truth is I was hanging on to hope, a hope with no budget for soccer.

I am not-so-gently reminded that I did this.  I caused this.

But… I didn’t do this alone.  I didn’t cause this by myself.

And yet… It’s my fault, right?  As the woman – it’s my fault.

I’ve watched friends walk away and helped my husband pick new bedding.  I took everything I had to bring everyone here, together, so I could take care of everyone… but everyone is leaving.

And I’m left to wonder.

Why am I the one left alone in a dusty shop, long after the doors have shut?

You’ve got mail

You’ve got mail

you've got mail early-onset dementia

I was feeling sad tonight and decided to introduce my oldest to a cult classic of the 90’s.  I figured a feel-good romantic comedy would be just the thing to cheer me up whilst participating in the cultural education of my daughter. 

What a trip down the rabbit hole that was!

Remember the infinite star scroll screensaver of Windows 3 point something?  The screeching of the modem while you not-so-patiently waited to be connected to the Internet.  AOL and Yahoo chat rooms to meet with like-minded folk who may or may not be serial killers or your next-door neighbor.

The feeling of comfortable nostalgia set in – and then the empty store scene came up, the one where the mother and daughter are twirling.

That’s when I lost it.

I bawled like a child who’s been denied a piece of candy.  Full-body ugly cried while trying to tell her that really I was OK even if I’m not, really.

You see, my mother has early-onset dementia.

The feeling of comfortable nostalgia set in - and then I lost it #earlyonsetdementia Click To Tweet

I’ve been watching her slowly slip away for the past few years and the doctors are just now confirming what I have suspected from the sidelines is actually happening.  I hoped and prayed I was wrong.  That it was all in my head.  That I was making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Except she’s changed so much.

For the first time in a long time I feel like there’s really no one I can talk to that understands.  My circle of friends isn’t exactly riddled with people who could understand the struggle of raising three spirited girls, trying to juggle all the balls and failing miserably… and when you need your momma the most you can’t turn to her because even if she’s still here – she’s not, really.

Not the parts that matter to me, anyways.

The parts that would wrap me up in her arms, rub my back and tell me everything will turn out just fine.  The parts that would say it’s silly to get all worked up over three fucking little words – You’ve Got Mail.  That it doesn’t matter how many people I’ve hurt or pissed off in the past year, that we all make mistakes, that we all go through shit and this too shall pass.

Because even if I can go down the stairs and climb up in her bed beside her, the woman that lies there tonight is my Mom.

And tonight?  Tonight, I need my momma.

Traveling to Key West – What the Guide Books Don’t Tell You

Traveling to Key West – What the Guide Books Don’t Tell You

Traveling to Key West - What the Guide Books Don't Tell You

Writer’s Block: It’s A Bitch

That’s why I’ve been back from Key West for 4 months now and I still can’t write about it. It seems I found a piece of myself on that island, a piece that’s made it hard for me to put pen to paper. I’m finally able to share some of the more memorable moments of our trip and some insights on traveling to Key West that you won’t find in guide books.

Ann & I were in Florida for TBEX and decided to knock an item off our bucket list while we were there. Driving down hwy 1, crossing the 7 mile bridge, was like falling down a rabbit hole and finding a mysterious and wonderful secret world. Time… doesn’t exist on the island.  Except the scheduled departure for your sunset cruise. But don’t worry, even if you’re late by one minute you now have the excuse to eat at some fabulous restaurants.  Many have ‘happy hour’ specials when drinks and apps are ½ price.  Can you say… Yum?

Travel tip: If you love steak as much as I do and you either don’t like the high price tag or the huge portions order a steak salad or a flank steak appetizer. It’s served BESIDE the salad, not on it, and the portion is perfect.

Add a side of steam veggies or mashed potatoes and you’re eating like a king without mortgaging your kids.

When planning your trip to the keys remember – Location, Location, location.  ‘Waterfront’ or  ‘Ocean front’ is not synonymous with ‘close to the action’.

The island is bigger than it appears and if you’re not careful you’ll end up in the most gorgeous hotel by the ocean a quarter mile from Duval street…. Which is a surprising 15 minute cab ride downtown for this Canadian girl who screwed up the conversion.

The first thing you’ll want to do as you step out of the car is turn your face to the sun… soak up some therapeutic rays, breath in the smell of the salt in the air, and listen to the waves crashing against the shore.

That’s the sound of the island trying to seduce you.

Once you’re done feeling sorry for yourself ‘cause you can’t have this year round you should head to Duval St and Mallory Square where you can shop, dine, and stroll to your heart’s content.

Mallory square is a great place to find unique items, official Conch Republic souvenirs, and gorgeous jewelry.  On Duval st you’ll be able to find fashions of all kind… for all kinds of bodies.

Travel Tip: If you have any body issues whatsoever I strongly suggest you head south.  It seems the further south you go the smaller the clothes gets.

Our trip coincided with Fantasy Fest think… Mardi Gras on crack – and I can assure you bodies of all kinds were seen.  Never mind shilling out beads for a flash – Body paint is the fabric of choice during these festivities.  I’ve never seen so many Nekkid people at once before.

At the table next to us at the restaurant was a woman wearing nothing but a grass skirt and artful body paint.  Men were wearing what can only be described as leather nutsacks on a string and group theme costumes were all the rage.

Beyond the obvious though I saw a few things that can’t be unseen.  I’m remembering one fella with red glitter paint on his crotch and a peter pan color at his neck.  A very, very, old couple bared all except for the world’s largest spray painted bush and some body paint that had seen better days.

General rule of thumb?  Don’t look down, even if it’s high tide / full moon and you want to make sure the wet thing you just stepped in was water and not other bodily fluids mixed with booze.

Looking down means you have to look back up and that can only lead to blindness and night terrors.  Seriously – you couldn’t look up without coming face to face with a full frontal. I can assure you, the George clooney’s of the island clearly stayed home. 

We also experienced Zombie night.  I never in a million years imagined the words ‘If there weren’t so many zombies around I wouldn’t feel as safe’ would escape my mouth.

I also never imagined myself being greeted by 10 thousand zombies and 2 police officers 400 metres from the airport entrance.  Needless to say I called budget and told them the zombie apocalypse was right outside their door and we would be late returning our rental car.

My favorite activity during our trip? The Sebago Power Adventure Tour.

We were brought out to the coral reef to snorkel – and me with my glasses – and no contacts – I chose to dive in blind for fear of my glasses ending up in the ocean.  I have no idea what the reef looks like, I couldn’t see jack-sqwat.

I was hell bent on parasailing though so I maguyvered some holders to make sure I got the best view from the top.  Soon everyone was making holders with yellow duct tape.  The captain said it best – it takes a Canadian to come up with the best ideas. 

 

I’m afraid of heights but when that parachute lets go and the rope unravels all you feel is freedom.  It’s like floating through the air on a cloud.  I was so comfortable I would have stayed up there all day if I could. That piece of me I found was up there above the water and I could only bring back the memory of it.

I’ve decided that I now must go parasailing in every coastal city I visit, if only to revisit that part of my soul that refuses to touch ground.

None of the locals are locals, and as Ms Beth (one of our Sebago captains and all around awesome woman) would say people just fall in love and come back because they can’t imagine living anywhere else.  I can believe it!

They weren’t kidding when they said it was the best sunset in the world.

Every night crowds gather at the pier for the sunset celebration. Mermaids playing the yukelele, sword swallowers telling tall tales and fresh-made-right-in-front of you guacamole are just a few of the highlights well after the sun bids farewell.

Key West is truly a magical place and I can’t wait to go back!  I hope you’ve enjoyed the video (missed it?  At top of page 😉) and the pictures.

Now that you’ve learned a few new things about traveling to Key West that the guide books won’t tell you go ahead and start planning your dream adventure.  You deserve it!

The F Word – My thoughts on feminism

The F Word – My thoughts on feminism

#thefword video contest banner

#TheFWord - Feminism

Feminism, equity, and the intersection of perspective and reality

I’ve had writer’s block since I came back from Key West in October, but I’m working on a great video to show you my trip highlights.

Meanwhile, SheKnows Media along with the Ms Foundation put out a call for submission for their #TheFWord contest.  The winner gets $4000 CASH (USD!!! lol) and a trip to NYC valued at $1000. 

It appears  I had some thoughts on feminism and have been working tirelessly to create a masterpiece worthy of your time.

In order to create this video, I studied, acquired, and mastered several skills and new software.

I’ve learned whiteboard animation, I’ve successfully created several projects with Adobe After Effects, I improved my Premiere Pro skills, dug deep for creative wisdom and reached out to my community when I needed volunteers. 

The 18 year old me would have said I feel ‘all full of madz skillz’ right now.  And I do.

This project has left me emotionally drained so I’ll just put the video here for you to watch 🙂

Feel free to share it on YouTube and don’t forget public voting starts on March 21st.

Judges: Use the link below the embedded video to download an HD version of my submission.

For my daughters… may you always stay true to yourselves xox

Judges, Click Here to Download the HD Video

Start Now

A new year with netflix and unexpected gifts

A new year with netflix and unexpected gifts

Netflix starts Year 3 of #StreamTeam

and apparently I can be dense. oh well...

There comes a time in a blogger’s life where you feel like you’ve ‘arrived’.  You’ve made it.  Then 10 minutes later you hear about this great new high profile campaign that everyone but you seems to have been selected for and once again you are firmly grounded in the real world.

Milestones

I felt like I’d arrived a few times these past years.

But here’s one my favorite moments, one I’ve rarely spoken of publicly.

Last summer I met the #ShareYourCare team at a conference and signed up for their ambassador program.  National Share Your Care day was coming up and we were told that in exchange for posting we would get a piece of original Care Bears animation art.

This is what I was expecting, because apparently I’m really freaking dense:

disney parks vinylmation

I don’t know why ‘Animation Art’ translated to ‘Vinylmation’ in my head… but it did.  I was expecting some sort of vinylmation-type Care Bears figurine that my kids would adore.

Instead a stiff envelope marked ‘Do Not Bend’ showed up on November 25th.   What went through my mind?

OOOHHHHHHHHHHH, ‘animation art’.  A poster!  Of course!

Because, of course, I’m still dense and clueless at this point.

What I found inside brought me to tears.  I grew up watching the original series and I’m a huge fan.  When the show premiered on Netflix I just had to show my kids and share with the world.  

IMG_20151125_124711682

So when this priceless piece of history showed up in my mailbox I was rendered speechless and until now didn’t quite know how to express my gratitude in words.

Once I got over how the shock I had a good laugh over my denseness.  Of course ‘one-of-a-kind animation art from the original series‘ would be ACTUAL ANIMATION ART from the original series.  #facepalm

And now for today’s program…

Care Bears and Cousins are Coming Back!

Today I caught up on some emails and found out that Care Bear & Cousins Season 2 is premiering exclusively on Netflix February 5th.  The kids are, shall we say, excited ;).

Netflix & Chill (and yes, I know what it means)

Care Bear Stare doesn’t get your gander going on date night?  Thankfully there’s much more to Netflix than just kids’ shows.  Currently we’ve been streaming Brooklyn 99, a hilarious comedy set in Brooklyn’s NYPD precinct.

brooklyn99

Not much of a date-night thing, but Fuller House is also premiering February 26th and I’m beyond excited.  I am clearing my schedule for 3 days following the launch and if you can’t reach me you’ll know why.

Clearing my schedule for #FullerHouse premiere on @Netflix_CA #StreamTeam Click To Tweet

Are you excited for Fuller House?  What else are you streaming?

A dream laid to rest with wrapping paper and rotten apples

A dream laid to rest with wrapping paper and rotten apples

Wrapping Paper & Rotten Apples

laying a Christmas dream to rest

Elf Duty

As I’m wrapping the many gifts that will be exchanged in the following week I’m thinking there can’t be any more, I have to be done.  Except I’m not because Oh!  Look – There’s that bag I had stashed and forgotten about!

We’ve been lucky this year – the blog has afforded us a bigger Christmas than usual.  Brands started recognized that you, the reader, actually care about what I have to say, about my opinions on just about anything – toys included.  By the way,  you can check out all the awesome brands I’ve worked with this year in my year-round gift guide!

The kids are getting 6 gifts from Santa, pajamas from Mrs Claus, and 2 gifts each from us; The kids have also each purchased a small gift for each other, their cousin, and their grand-parents.  50 gifts, all told, with the nice paper – the bows, and ribbons and all that crap.

50 fucking gifts I’ve been begrudgingly wrapping because the past week has been a special kind of hell.

Annabelle took a shit on my carpet.  The kids have been cranky.  Apparently I’m the meanest mom in the world.  Because instead of working or doing Santa duty I’ve been cooking up a storm of chocolate bark for teachers and friends, meticulously melting chocolate and candy canes into the perfect seasonal treat to share.  And I expect them to be asleep before midnight.  Mean, right?  The worst, I tell ya!

In between all this shitting, and wrapping, and baking Annabelle decided she wanted short hair and took to the scissors while drawing peacefully at the table.  So I’ve just spent 3 hours in a shopping mall on the last Saturday before Christmas getting an emergency hair cut for a 4 year old who just wanted short hair.  And thought taking matters into her own hands was better than telling me.

christmas haircut

With my back turned she escaped to the bathroom where she left me a mound of hair on the ground and quietly came back to her seat like nothing happened.

Mom Duty

Yet… as I stab another piece of tape on an unruly corner of paper that refuses to cooperate I think back to this time last month.

At my age…. I don’t even remember when I last had a pregnancy ‘scare’.  And ladies, you know, right?  Until that stick turns blue you shut your pie hole and suffer in silence… because you don’t want the mindless, carefree, impulsive, sex that sends your toes curling to stop should The Man decide he is freaked out by something that may not even be a thing.

But there I was, mid-thirties, contemplating the realities of an unplanned 4th pregnancy.  The risk wasn’t ginormous but September’s Gallbladder turned Septic Infection fiasco has made a mess of my cycle and I just couldn’t be sure.

There I was, mid-thirties, contemplating the realities of an unplanned 4th #pregnancy Click To Tweet

Like ole’ faithful my body cooperated for the first time in months and I was left with conflicting and confusing emotions.  Sure, I felt relief… I’ve always wanted a 4th child but now is not the time or  place to even contemplate that possibility.

Surprising still was the wave of sadness and grief that washed over me.  Grief at the loss of the child that never was, that never will be.  The child I dreamed of a lifetime ago; a baby to soothe and nurse and love to the ends of the world and back.

A tiny life to sustain by the grace of God is a miracle that though unplanned and certainly inconvenient would have brought a ray of sunshine in an otherwise shitty situation.

But this child I speak of exists only in dreams of past and life moves on.

Christmas

I sip on my G&T while carefully placing wrapped packages under the lit tree and I spot something in the corner of my eye.  Upon further investigation I discover a half-eaten apple rotting away under the couch.  A half-eaten apple covered in a few locks of hair, likely from today’s scissor experiments that sent me in a mall this close to Christmas.

And let’s be honest.  This week’s fiasco has proved once again that I’m not the most patient person in the world and I’m certainly no spring chicken so it’s probably for the best that we’re laying the dream of a 4th baby to rest.

Reflections

So I sit back and take a moment to be thankful for the life I have today and the many blessings the universe has provided.  My Christmas wish to you is that you can do the same.  Celebrate the joy of the season with loved ones, honoring the memories and traditions of those who are with us in spirit.

The magic of Christmas heals the heart and warms the soul.  It gives us hope for a new season in life, if slightly more seasoned than the last.

And when that tear rolls silently down my cheek as I finger the gentle fabric of a newborn sleeper I will remind myself there’s not much left to my pelvic floor.  That after being pregnant or nursing for 6 years I’m finally – finally! – getting an average of 5-6 hours of sleep nightly, a rare treat after all these years.  That this precious 4th bundle was not mine to have, that I am blessed with three wonderful, bright, amazing, rays of sunshine we call daughters.

That some dreams belong to a lifetime long-ago lived.

Some dreams belong to a lifetime long-ago lived Click To Tweet